So let’s break it down into shorter steps.ĭetermine the truth about this particular incident. The reality is, finding out the truth is a LONG process. “Find out the truth,” as if you can just make him take a polygraph test online. This is one of those phrases that’s easy to just throw out there. ![]() Determine the truth behind your husband’s lies. Please note, though: these steps are not necessarily linear, but rather guides to help you think through all the issues surrounding both your husband’s porn use and his lies. Now that you know what NOT to do when he lies, what should you do to help your marriage recover? The following steps will help you move forward. What to Do if Your Husband Lies About Watching Porn The reality is, his porn use almost certainly started long before he met you and would almost certainly continue even if he had married a supermodel. He may say it’s your fault for not being sexually available enough for him or for not taking care of your body (never mind any health issues or children you’ve had). One of the ways your husband may lie about his porn use is by trying to blameshift-a tactic as old as Adam and Eve. Trying to take on everything about his recovery will put you in the role of cop or mother, when you should be his partner in marriage.You can help motivate that decision, but you cannot force it. He will never successfully quit using porn unless he wants to quit.He uses porn for a reason, and that reason probably stems from something that happened long before you came into the picture.There are a few things to realize with this. One of your early responses to the discovery of your husband’s porn use may be to try to fix him-to try to be his replacement porn or take control of his recovery journey. When you do explode on him, apologize for not handling your reaction well-but don’t apologize for your feelings. If you need to, pause the conversation and leave the room to try to calm down. What to do instead: Stay calm as you confront him. Hurling insults and going on the offensive will just deepen that shame. That shame often keeps people in a cycle of porn use. But your husband is likely dealing with a deep-rooted sense of shame-that he’s somehow defective or undesirable. Now, your feelings of pain and betrayal are valid! You have a lot of recovery of your own to go through as you and your husband work to restore your marriage. This may include calling him names, swearing at him, asking how he could be so stupid, etc. When you confront your husband about his porn use, it can be very tempting to react out of your own pain. What to do instead: If you’re in that position, set a boundary for him to find accountability with a peer or mentor-someone who is not you. In other words, try not to gather any more evidence than you strictly need (and if you have browser history or walked in on him watching porn, you already have enough). It puts him on the defensive and will most likely drive him to deeper anger and shame-some of the feelings that may be driving him to porn in the first place. But this puts your marriage in the position of cop and criminal, not partners in life. One of your first instincts may be to “catch” him in a lie, which means gathering evidence. Spoiler alert: these were never pleasant phone calls. What NOT to Do if Your Husband Lies About Porn Don’t spy on him.įor a long time, some of the most common calls to the Covenant Eyes Member Care team were either from wives who wanted to use our software to spy on their husbands or from husbands whose wives installed the software without their knowledge. So how do you move past the porn use and the lies and find restoration for your marriage? We’ll get to that… but first, let’s talk about what not to do. I won’t lie-this will be rough, but it’s not hopeless! With time, commitment, and hard work from both of you, your marriage can be restored. Depending on how often you’ve caught him lying, it may even feel like your marriage is hopeless. Regardless of why or how your husband is lying to you about his porn use, the fact that he’s lying at all is always difficult. Maybe he even claims he only went to those sites because he knew you were spying on him. ![]() Maybe even the screaming void that wordlessly reminds you this wasn’t the first time.īut when you try to confront him, he just denies it. The stab across your chest when you saw what your husband was looking at.
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